Cricket Conspiracy Theories

This is a joke. Please take nothing literally. This is a feeble attempt to write fictionally, to expand what i write. If it isn’t good i will try to improve. No harm in trying etc..

The Channel 9 conspiracy theory

The notoriously awful channel 9 commentary team, has been so consistently abysmal in of all forms of cricket, that it is about time somebody investigated why.

Long since the prime of Lawry, Greig, Benaud and Chappell, the quality has fallen into disrepute, almost to the point that the listening audience (for those that can bare to watch without the mute button on,) now have the torturous pain of the dreadful ‘tubby’ Mark Taylor, the Whiney Michael Slater, the inept and inarticulate lousy Mark Nicholas and who could forget Ian Heally? There is something going on here, why would this be allowed to occur?

Why do channel nine subject audiences to this horrible barrage of boring annoyance and lack of wit. I put it to the cricketing world that this is a cricket conspiracy.  They are determined to get people off the sofa and into the cricket fields and grounds. As the golden generation has fizzled out, Cricket Australia have been stumped for ways of developing and nurturing talent. Quite simply, there has been so much success since the 1980’s, that people have decided they no longer need to physically play, but instead can merely watch.

Mark Nicholas's vice like grip on Australian commentary is all artificial.
Mark Nicholas’s vice like grip on Australian commentary is all artificial.

This is one of the most complex, and advanced  strategies of development of players, the world has ever seen. A theory so bold and and so outrageous that of course, when you first hear it you will shrug it off like it is nothing.

But, then you will sit and think twice. What other reason would there be for Mark Nicholas to be given a microphone, or ‘tubby’ Mark Taylor to be given a touch screen device that he cannot work, unless it was going to turn viewers away from watching it on TV and get people to sit in the ground itself, or get down to the nets with anticipation of one day playing for Australia to make the Australian commentary team, literally speechless.

The Australian selectors have now been trying this experiment for some time without success. It has been a horrible period for Australian cricket, in terms of viewing, and one can only hope that in the next two years, Ed Cowan does miraculously become the next Donald Bradman, so Channel 9 can receive the order from CA to remove this dreadful set of so called commentators, and liberate viewers around the world.

Warne  Hurley – Ashes conspiracy theory

In case you hadn’t noticed, Shane Warne is going out with Liz Hurley. Did he mention it on twitter ? Or have you blocked them both already? Me too.

All appears fine, it is just another celebrity relationship surely ? But what people are not fully aware of it the role that MI6 have played in hitching Warne with Hurley. Giles Clarke and Andy Flower contacted the British secret agency, to set up one of the most elaborate hoaxes in cricketing history. Yes; you won’t believe it, but Shane Warne has been intercepted by British super-spy actress, fashion icon and serial tweeter Elizabeth Hurley.

Who would possibly suspect an actress that had dated Hugh Grant and took a role in Austin Powers, was actually a super-spy working for the ECB? The blonde bamboozler was taken aboard instantly; lured in by a  candle lit dinner at Nando’s, and from that moment following every move to the word.

He was captured. Slimming down, Botox, he even began to play again. It was a highly successful operation  just to stop him from his activity that the ECB were so concerned about.  But, what is this activity i hear you ask?

Well, the bowler who tormented England for so many years on the pitch, simply had to be stopped off the pitch.  Since retirement, Warne has been engaging in alleged secret intimidation, bribery and blackmail of English selectors to facilitate selection of the England side for a considerable period.

Clear evidence of Warne's  transition.
Clear evidence of Warne’s transition.

Warne supposedly ensured that a number of, low profile, ‘England’ players made their way into the England side, including; D. Pattinson, A. Khan, L. Plunkett, J. Dalrymple, I. Blackwell, R. Bopara, C. Kieswetter and perhaps the most successful of Shane Warne’s works, was the infamous Geraint Jones, long term double agent. How did we fall for that?

He had a systematic procedure, all employed to ensure that the Ashes would never be lost again. Since before 2010 however, Warne has been infiltrated by Hurley, who has successfully stopped this mastermind manipulator. England have slowly but surely hit the road to recovery, but after the de selection of Matt Prior in suspicious circumstances, Andy Flower has been relinquished from his ODI and T20 coaching roles, and he will be investigating further leads.

Dhoni – BCCI conspiracy theory

Now the reason the media tell us is that India do not want DRS is because ‘they do not trust the technology.’ Do you seriously believe that? The reason we are told Sachin will carry on is because he is still useful, it isn’t time for him to quit. Nice and vague. The reason we are told the pitches in  India are the way they are is ‘home advantage’. Well infact, all of these factors are part of a complex power struggle between the BCCI and Dhoni, tearing cricket apart at the seams.

Since the invention of the T20 and specifically the IPL, Dhoni has become an addict and a very rich addict too. He has made it his mission to abolish test cricket, to unite the world with T20 and to of course become the most powerful T20 superstar on the planet. He has managed to climb his way up to the top of the tree of the national side.

He is captain. He is keeper. He is the master puppeteer as one of the most famous sportsmen in the world, a billion Indians Idolise MSD. He sees all, he has the final say. If a player puts a foot wrong they are out. If a player fails to perform, they are out. If a player questions the master, they of course are out. If a selector speaks out, they will never be heard again.

Let's pray - If you want to survive the clutches of Dhoni
Let’s pray – If you want to survive the clutches of Dhoni

He knows that the last bastion of Indian test cricket, Sachin, can only last so much longer. He worked his way up building a winning side, giving India a false sense of security. You can trust him, look how great he is. Then he slowly disposed of the test anchors, beginning with Kumble and Ganguly, before strategically losing important series and facilitating the ending of both VVS Laxman and Rahul Dravid.

He knows that the crushing weight of the media will force Tendulkar’s removal one day, and at that point, Dhoni can strike. Sachin is clinging on not for his own sake, but he is actually being forced to play on in order to prevent Dhoni from completing his rise to power.

Dhoni has been waiting and biding his time for the perfect moment. He has now got to such a strong position on and off the field that the BCCI are clinging on to everything they have to maintain some kind of influence. They are now even trying to control commentary rights, DRS, preventing Sachin from retiring, the continual attempted recall of the likes of Zaheer and Harbhajan. Anything to assert their authority. The only thing the BCCI have in it’s favor is the ICC who have agreed to to withhold implementation of full DRS until the catastrophic situation is unpicked.

It is a smokescreen to buy test cricket more time in India. Dhoni must not prevail.

One thought on “Cricket Conspiracy Theories

  1. Good on you for taking a risk on writing in a form which might not come as naturally to you as your normal style of blogging.

    Comedy writing is the hardest form of writing to master, but how will you ever master anything if you don’t give it a go?

    You’ve got the ideas. The execution will come with practice.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s