Cricket Conspiracy Theories

This is a joke. Please take nothing literally. This is a feeble attempt to write fictionally, to expand what i write. If it isn’t good i will try to improve. No harm in trying etc..

The Channel 9 conspiracy theory

The notoriously awful channel 9 commentary team, has been so consistently abysmal in of all forms of cricket, that it is about time somebody investigated why.

Long since the prime of Lawry, Greig, Benaud and Chappell, the quality has fallen into disrepute, almost to the point that the listening audience (for those that can bare to watch without the mute button on,) now have the torturous pain of the dreadful ‘tubby’ Mark Taylor, the Whiney Michael Slater, the inept and inarticulate lousy Mark Nicholas and who could forget Ian Heally? There is something going on here, why would this be allowed to occur?

Why do channel nine subject audiences to this horrible barrage of boring annoyance and lack of wit. I put it to the cricketing world that this is a cricket conspiracy.  They are determined to get people off the sofa and into the cricket fields and grounds. As the golden generation has fizzled out, Cricket Australia have been stumped for ways of developing and nurturing talent. Quite simply, there has been so much success since the 1980’s, that people have decided they no longer need to physically play, but instead can merely watch.

Mark Nicholas's vice like grip on Australian commentary is all artificial.
Mark Nicholas’s vice like grip on Australian commentary is all artificial.

This is one of the most complex, and advanced  strategies of development of players, the world has ever seen. A theory so bold and and so outrageous that of course, when you first hear it you will shrug it off like it is nothing.

But, then you will sit and think twice. What other reason would there be for Mark Nicholas to be given a microphone, or ‘tubby’ Mark Taylor to be given a touch screen device that he cannot work, unless it was going to turn viewers away from watching it on TV and get people to sit in the ground itself, or get down to the nets with anticipation of one day playing for Australia to make the Australian commentary team, literally speechless.

The Australian selectors have now been trying this experiment for some time without success. It has been a horrible period for Australian cricket, in terms of viewing, and one can only hope that in the next two years, Ed Cowan does miraculously become the next Donald Bradman, so Channel 9 can receive the order from CA to remove this dreadful set of so called commentators, and liberate viewers around the world.

Warne  Hurley – Ashes conspiracy theory

In case you hadn’t noticed, Shane Warne is going out with Liz Hurley. Did he mention it on twitter ? Or have you blocked them both already? Me too.

All appears fine, it is just another celebrity relationship surely ? But what people are not fully aware of it the role that MI6 have played in hitching Warne with Hurley. Giles Clarke and Andy Flower contacted the British secret agency, to set up one of the most elaborate hoaxes in cricketing history. Yes; you won’t believe it, but Shane Warne has been intercepted by British super-spy actress, fashion icon and serial tweeter Elizabeth Hurley.

Who would possibly suspect an actress that had dated Hugh Grant and took a role in Austin Powers, was actually a super-spy working for the ECB? The blonde bamboozler was taken aboard instantly; lured in by a  candle lit dinner at Nando’s, and from that moment following every move to the word.

He was captured. Slimming down, Botox, he even began to play again. It was a highly successful operation  just to stop him from his activity that the ECB were so concerned about.  But, what is this activity i hear you ask?

Well, the bowler who tormented England for so many years on the pitch, simply had to be stopped off the pitch.  Since retirement, Warne has been engaging in alleged secret intimidation, bribery and blackmail of English selectors to facilitate selection of the England side for a considerable period.

Clear evidence of Warne's  transition.
Clear evidence of Warne’s transition.

Warne supposedly ensured that a number of, low profile, ‘England’ players made their way into the England side, including; D. Pattinson, A. Khan, L. Plunkett, J. Dalrymple, I. Blackwell, R. Bopara, C. Kieswetter and perhaps the most successful of Shane Warne’s works, was the infamous Geraint Jones, long term double agent. How did we fall for that?

He had a systematic procedure, all employed to ensure that the Ashes would never be lost again. Since before 2010 however, Warne has been infiltrated by Hurley, who has successfully stopped this mastermind manipulator. England have slowly but surely hit the road to recovery, but after the de selection of Matt Prior in suspicious circumstances, Andy Flower has been relinquished from his ODI and T20 coaching roles, and he will be investigating further leads.

Dhoni – BCCI conspiracy theory

Now the reason the media tell us is that India do not want DRS is because ‘they do not trust the technology.’ Do you seriously believe that? The reason we are told Sachin will carry on is because he is still useful, it isn’t time for him to quit. Nice and vague. The reason we are told the pitches in  India are the way they are is ‘home advantage’. Well infact, all of these factors are part of a complex power struggle between the BCCI and Dhoni, tearing cricket apart at the seams.

Since the invention of the T20 and specifically the IPL, Dhoni has become an addict and a very rich addict too. He has made it his mission to abolish test cricket, to unite the world with T20 and to of course become the most powerful T20 superstar on the planet. He has managed to climb his way up to the top of the tree of the national side.

He is captain. He is keeper. He is the master puppeteer as one of the most famous sportsmen in the world, a billion Indians Idolise MSD. He sees all, he has the final say. If a player puts a foot wrong they are out. If a player fails to perform, they are out. If a player questions the master, they of course are out. If a selector speaks out, they will never be heard again.

Let's pray - If you want to survive the clutches of Dhoni
Let’s pray – If you want to survive the clutches of Dhoni

He knows that the last bastion of Indian test cricket, Sachin, can only last so much longer. He worked his way up building a winning side, giving India a false sense of security. You can trust him, look how great he is. Then he slowly disposed of the test anchors, beginning with Kumble and Ganguly, before strategically losing important series and facilitating the ending of both VVS Laxman and Rahul Dravid.

He knows that the crushing weight of the media will force Tendulkar’s removal one day, and at that point, Dhoni can strike. Sachin is clinging on not for his own sake, but he is actually being forced to play on in order to prevent Dhoni from completing his rise to power.

Dhoni has been waiting and biding his time for the perfect moment. He has now got to such a strong position on and off the field that the BCCI are clinging on to everything they have to maintain some kind of influence. They are now even trying to control commentary rights, DRS, preventing Sachin from retiring, the continual attempted recall of the likes of Zaheer and Harbhajan. Anything to assert their authority. The only thing the BCCI have in it’s favor is the ICC who have agreed to to withhold implementation of full DRS until the catastrophic situation is unpicked.

It is a smokescreen to buy test cricket more time in India. Dhoni must not prevail.

2012 Review

This is a review of a glorious but hectic 2012 cricketing year. Forgive me if some things are left un turned or untouched.

This year proved to be a year in which the tables turned on England. England lost 7 matches, The South Africans assumed the number one ranking, and the Australians were constantly chasing both South Africa and England’s heals with a miserly 1 test loss the entire year. India struggled with 5 losses out of 9 and England with just 5 test wins out of 15. New Zealand (2 wins), Sri Lanka (3 wins) and the West Indies (4 wins) also struggled each playing 10 tests.

The only side not to have a lost a test all year, was South Africa and the only sides not to have won a test were Bangladesh (and Zimbabwe).

Graeme Smith with the Test mace
Graeme Smith with the Test mace

Throughout 2012 were 89 test centuries, 41 One day centuries and 4 T20 centuries. In tests, six outstanding batsmen can be picked out. For England; Alastair Cook and Kevin Pietersen, who struck 7 centuries between them. For South Africa, Hashim Amla and Jacques Kallis with 8 tons combined and lastly Michael Clarke and Michael Hussey who almost single handedly prevented Australia from losing more than a single game with 9 tons between them (in 11 tests.)

A number of batsmen also deserve mentions, notably Marlon Samuels, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Ross Taylor, Che Pujara, Azhar Ali and Graeme Smith who each struck three centuries.

This year of course was infamous for Kevin Pietersen’s saga with the ECB, including various ridiculous comments towards colleagues via text and word of mouth and of course his retirements. Pietersen nevertheless had an outstanding 2012 with three of the most memorable hundreds against Sri Lanka, South Africa and India, all of which turned entire games’ on their heads. Out of these three hundreds, his 183 in India was a special hundred, every other batsmen had struggled, but Pietersen came out and played in a fashion that he seemingly had no right to play on in.

On the bowling 2012 has bee a mixed bag. There has been spin success’ for Saeed Ajmal with 39 wickets in 6 tests, and Rangana Herath who took 60 wickets in 10 tests to top the wickets tally. Graeme Swann also was a significant wicket taker with 59 wickets in 14 games, although being considerably less effective than in his earlier career, he did contribute to a series victory against India, the first such win for 28 years.

Once more England, S. Africa and Australia dominated i the seam department with England’s James Anderson taking 48 wickets, South Africa’s Dale Steyn and Vernon Philander combined to take 82 wickets and it was a breakthrough year for Australia’s attack, successfully fusing experience and youth.

Notable mentions must also go to Kemar Roach who has developed into a genuinely world class and rapid bowler and Monty Panesar who took 33 wickets in 6 tests, including a 10 wicket match haul in India.

The One day form of the game saw England becoming a world class outfit thrashing Australia, equaling South Africa and becoming number one. They lost just 2 matches all year, with the highlight being the 5-0 victory over Australia which handed them the top status.

The second and newest form of limited overs cricket, Twenty 20, was dominated by a world cup in Sri Lanka. New champions were crowned, the West Indies. Darren Sammy led his side absolutely brilliantly and they showed they held a number of genuinely world class consistent performers and entertainers. Marlon Samuels who blasted a 56-ball 78 in the final and Chris Gayle who led from the top of the order with disdain and aggression. Shane Watson of Australia also must receive accolades for outstanding all round displays in all disciplines.

There were a number of players’ and associates of the game who left us in 2012. Beginning with the greats, we bid farewell and thank both Rahul Dravid and Ricky Ponting. Both had over 13000 test runs and averaged over 50 consistently. They anchored their team at number 3 and spent long periods as captain. Ponting and Dravid were once in a generation batsmen and payers. They have left an indelible legacy of batsmen-ship  captaincy, slip fielding, style and professionalism. They are irreplaceable and will be missed by all.

VVS Laxman and Michael Hussey also retired in 2012. Michael Hussey scored 19 test hundreds and over 6000 runs in 78 games (with one more game to go) and 38 year old VVS Laxman accumulated 8781 runs with 17 hundreds. Both were world class lower order test batsmen, experienced with expertise in guiding the lower order yet capable of going up the order too. True professionals and dedicated batsmen for their countries, they rose to big occasions and were utterly team-centric.

Michael Hussey retires
Michael Hussey retires

One of England’s most successful opening batsmen and captain’s, Andrew Strauss left cricket also. With 21 test centuries to his name and two Ashes victories as captain he will be fondly remembered.

Mark Boucher was tragically hit in the eye by a bail, leading to immediate retirement. It was a horrible way to have gone and Boucher finished with an agonizing 998 international dismissals as a wicket keeper, including 555 in 147 Tests. It is the record for dismissals and a major reason for South African success.

Elite Umpire Simon Taufel, stood in his last game during the T20 world cup final, which ended an 10 career spanning 74 Test matches, 174 One Day Internationals and 34 T20Is.

Two of the greatest one day players of modern times retired; Brett Lee and Sachin Tendulkar. Tendulkar mixed an aggressive batting style, perfect timing and a very heavy bat to revolutionise One day cricket. Tendulkar retired with a colossal 18426 runs and 49 centuries which took him over the 100 international centuries mark. Although Brett Lee was not the bowling Sachin, he contributed to a number of key World cup victories, and was renowned for his ferocious pace duels with Shoaib Akhtar. Lee finished with 380 wickets at a highly respectable average of 23.36. His pace and enthusiasm made him an exciting watch. Both will be sorely missed in colored clothing.

Two cricketers also experienced an untimely death in 2012, Surrey batsman Tom Maynard (23 years Old) life and career ended horribly early after being struck by a train. The death of 66 year old Tony Greig was the second major shock to the cricketing world this year. The South African that captained England, and was loved by Australians for his commentary, was diagnosed with lung cancer early in 2012, and died of a heart attack on December the 29th. The cricket world united in sorrow and memorial for these two figures.

Awards :

Test batsmen of the year: Michael Clarke has been simply prolific, scoring 1595 runs in 11 tests including a triple century, three double centuries and a regular century, not to mention three fifties. In 18 innings he has averaged 106.33 and he has broken the record for the most runs in a calendar year by an Australian. An historic year.

Test Bowler of the year: 60 wickets in 10 tests with 7 five wicket halls gives Rangana Herath this title. A high class bowler in a relatively pedestrian side, he has kept the Sri Lankans from embarrassing themselves although often hugely under supported.

One day batsmen of the year: is undoubtedly Virat Kohli who hit 5 one day hundreds, with an average of 73.28 in addition to having the most fours in T20is with 54. Kohli was the second highest run getter in 2012 in T20 with 471 runs, one run behind Martin Guptil who is in the lead (13 innings each).

The One day Bowler of the year: is by Saeed Ajmal with 25 T20 wickets at an average of 15 and economy of just 6 an over, which is highly admirable in the T20 format. Lasith Malinga has not come off in T20 disappointingly only taking 10 wickets, and although in 50 over cricket he is the leading wicket taker with 47 wickets, they have been over 32 games, indicating he hasn’t actually been that prolific. Ajmal takes the 50 over title as well, with 31

Test team of the year: Jointly held by Australia and South Africa – Australia lost just a single test this year and South Africa

ODI team of the year: England losing just 2 games this year and obtaining the number one ranking. Led expertly by Alastair Cook in One day cricket, England have had purpose and discipline.

T20 team of the year: The West Indies – Chris Gayle took the T20 world by storm to bash down competition in the T20 world cup, and deliver a unifying West Indian world cup victory.

*All stats correct as of 29th December 2012